Laurence (35 years ) - Nationality French - 14 September 2008
"Hi everyone and thanks for your stories, which are helping me in my attempt to stop gradually killing myself. I started this uphill struggle when I was 17 because I wanted, I suppose, to be like everyone else, and now I'm 35. I've tried to quit several times without ever really committing myself to it. But now I have a reason to be committed a big one 35 years of age and a boyfriend who's as kind and charming as can be. That makes you want to start a nice family, doesn't it? Since 27 August I stopped smoking with patches, but guess what Last night, I made things a lot worse for myself. I think I was just looking for an argument, which is not at all in my character. I'm usually the kind of person who avoids any kind of conflict. I blame the nicotine cravings. Not wanting to make things worse, my boyfriend (who's a smoker) went to bed. I burst into tears without knowing why. A few minutes later I found myself in the basement, ripping off my patch and smoking a cigarette. Then I came to my senses and crushed it, brushed my teeth, rinsed my mouth with mouthwash and went to bed. This morning I wasn't at all proud of myself. I felt ashamed and wanted to cry. I drank a cup of tea, waited for my boyfriend to leave the house and smoked one, two, three cigsThen I felt even worse and even more unhappy. I crushed the third in rage and despair and as I looked at it I thought to myself, you inflict this disgusting piece of filth on your own body. Look at what a half-crushed cigarette looks like. It's ugly, it smells bad, it's full of toxic products, it's a piece of trickery. So what are you thinking, you poor girl? And on top of all that, you have a disgusting taste in your mouth. Then I put a patch on and came onto this website to read and re-read the testimonies. I haven't said anything to my boyfriend. I haven't said anything to anyone, I'm so ashamed that's why I'm making the effort to share my own story. I wanted to talk about it a bit, and maybe also to help those who are trying to stop, those who find themselves relapsing. Isn't wanting to have a baby a brilliant reason for wanting to quit? And yet, I let cigarettes control me and my behaviornow I'm back to square one. Last cigarette smoked at 10 am today, Sunday 14 September, and not 26 August at 10 pm. This should have been my 19th day of not smokingbut I haven't lost anything because I still believe I can do it! Good luck to everyone."
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